The number one way to destroy love and intimacy in relationships is by blaming your partner for what’s wrong.
Blame is when you’ve identified the cause of your problem and it’s your partner. If only he or she were different, you wouldn’t have to feel disappointed, hurt, or anger.
When we blame our partner, we free ourselves of any responsibility for the conflict.
Often blaming is so familiar that we’re unaware we’re doing it.
There are clues that indicate when we’re blaming, such as making absolute statements about our partner such as, “You always …” or “You’re so…” or “You’re such a…” Beware of those!
When we critique the behavior (“I don’t like it when you…”) and not the person, we ‘re stating what really concerns us and not just passing judgment on our flawed partner.
As a relationship coach, I ask couples to move from the blame game, which looks like – “Everything would be fine if only you would change” and replace it with “What can I change to help you give me more of what I want? “
This is a huge shift in the relationship and opens up new possibilities for intimacy and love. We can change our complaints—which always push people away—into requests—made with respect and, if possible, with affection and humor.
Claiming responsibility doesn’t mean being more accommodating just to keep the peace. That’s the “Fine,” with a sigh and a roll of the eyes or the blank, long-suffering stare. Instead it may be more like, “How can I be more assertive?” ”How can I be more truthful?” “How can I be clearer about what I want?”
That’s the best way to stop the never-ending blame game. Shift the focus to yourself and ask with curiosity, “How am I contributing to this problem?” “What’s my part in this?”
For example, you ask your husband to pick up cereal and he comes home with something you don’t like. You could say, “You’re so clueless! Don’t you even notice that I eat Grapenuts every morning?” And you could even be thinking, “Does this guy even know or care about me?”
Switching from blame to healthy responsibility might have you saying, “Honey, would you please pick up a box of Post Grapenuts today?” You might even write it down with a little heart drawn around it.
The shift from blame to request isn’t easy. You have to be willing to let go of your deeply entrenched judgments about your partner and be willing to see if your changes make a difference in the way you interact.
It takes a clear intention to claim responsibility and give up that superior attitude that makes you the righteous victim. It also takes lots of practice. The best time to start is right now.
