How you listen makes a huge difference in the quality of your communication and your relationships.

Listening is more than just hearing the words being said. You have to really listen to understand what the other person is saying without putting your spin on what’s being said.

For example, my wife comes home and says, “I’m feeling kind of tired and stressed today.” I respond with, “Why don’t you take off tomorrow and get some rest?”

What’s wrong with this interchange?

On the surface it sounds like a positive, helpful suggestion.

However, it’s a classic example of what I call a listening filter.

A listening filter hears the other person’s words, but our focus is on what it means through our preferences, interpretations and prejudices. It doesn’t attempt to get inside the speaker’s experience and understand their perspective.

Let’s go through the example again, in slow motion.

My wife says she’s tired and stressed out. I respond with a suggestion of how she can fix the problem.

This is a common listening filter, listening to fix. Not only did I try to fix the problem, I applied a fix that comes from my experience.

When I’m tired and stressed out, I like to get some down time to recoup. My wife may feel worse if she stayed home and let more work pile up.

What are some other listening filters you’re aware of?

Listening to find fault: “How could you be tired and stressed out? You really haven’t done all that much this week.”

Listening to minimize: “You don’t look that tired to me.”

Listening to compare: “You’re tired and stressed? You should have seen my day!”

Listening to criticize: “That’s ridiculous! How could you be tired when you got eight hours sleep last night?”

Listening to control: “Don’t even think you can use being tired to get out of going to the movie tonight.”

On the surface it might sound simple to avoid using listening filters.

I’ve found it hard, though… a skill that requires practice. And more practice.

Avoiding these filters and listening with your eyes and ears and heart—just allowing others to talk about their experience and responding in a way that shows you got it—changes the whole exchange. We all want to be heard and validated.

It’s worth the investment because it’s a requirement for effective communication and getting what you want—a loving, healthy relationship.

Below are a few suggestions for honing your listening skills. Enjoy them!

1. Spend some time noticing how often you fall into one of the common listening filters; listening to fix, listening to find fault, listening to minimize, listening to compare, listening to criticize, or listening to control. What can you do to keep from falling into these common filters?

2. In your everyday conversations, or in an intentional practice session with a partner, explore each listening filter, one at a time. Notice how you feel and the impact on the person with whom you are communicating.

The first step to developing artful listening is to choose to truly listen. As you continue to develop your listening skills, your communications and your relationships are likely to become increasingly satisfying and rich!

I’ve read that the average couple spends less than twenty-seven and a half minutes engaged in personal conversation per week.

Make a commitment to connect with one another every day. Remind yourself to be present in those moments you are together.

1. Begin by becoming aware of your boundaries. Take notice of your feelings. They are your inner messengers, your inner guidance system. When a boundary is crossed, there is a definite physiological response. If someone’s comments or actions make you uncomfortable, notice how you react physically. Do you take a sharp breath in? Does your face redden? Does your throat tighten? Do you begin to feel cold and tremble? Note what the person is doing or saying that is giving you this reaction.

Ask yourself how you want to be spoken to and how you want to be treated. What behaviors are acceptable? What behaviors are marginally acceptable?

2. Sit down with each person you need to establish a boundary with and educate them on how you want them to respect your new boundary. Be constructive at first; avoid the “you offended me” routine. Instead say things like: “You know, I am particularly sensitive about people raising their voice to me. Would you be willing to speak quietly with me?” or “I am unable to be in the room when you are angry. I hope you understand my need to leave the room when you are upset and angry. I do want to spend time with you, and I love you.” or “Yes, I can take the time to listen to you, but I have about 10 minutes. Will that be enough time?” Once you’ve articulated what your boundary is ask them for a commitment to honor your new boundary.

3. Be persistent, yet not punitive, as you extend your boundaries. If being constructive doesn’t stop the unacceptable behavior you’ll have to up the ante with a more forbidding approach. For example: “That’s it! You no longer get to say that to me again. Got that.” “Mary you are being mean. Please stop it right now.” “Jim, I cannot hear one more word about how bad Karen treated you.

4. If they continue to violate your boundary, demand they stop. If that fails, walk away, take the “high road” and avoid being sarcastic, nasty or getting-even.

5. When you notice you’re getting annoyed at someone, look to see where you didn’t act early enough to establish your boundary. Go back to them and make the strongest request you can to have them treat you the way you want to be treated. Don’t try and figure out whether they can do what you’re asking, ask and let them determine if they can or not.

6. Start requesting that people in your life deliver their comments in a constructive way. No more digs, make-funs, deprecating or critical remarks, regardless of the situation.

Let the people in your life know that even though you tolerated this behavior in the past, you no longer will. Make a point to express your appreciation to them for respecting your new boundaries.

7. Be aware of the ways you may be infringing on other people’s boundaries. Make a point to be more sensitive to others boundaries.

If you are having difficulty setting boundaries in your relationship or your loved ones don’t respect them, it’s time to get support. Poor boundaries will only cause your relationship and your self-esteem to deteriorate.

And now I’d like to offer you my free “Transforming Relationships” TeleSeminars. You can get started by visiting: www.vitalrelationships.com and entering your name and email.