How you listen makes a huge difference in the quality of your communication and your relationships.

Listening is more than just hearing the words being said. You have to really listen to understand what the other person is saying without putting your spin on what’s being said.

For example, my wife comes home and says, “I’m feeling kind of tired and stressed today.” I respond with, “Why don’t you take off tomorrow and get some rest?”

What’s wrong with this interchange?

On the surface it sounds like a positive, helpful suggestion.

However, it’s a classic example of what I call a listening filter.

A listening filter hears the other person’s words, but our focus is on what it means through our preferences, interpretations and prejudices. It doesn’t attempt to get inside the speaker’s experience and understand their perspective.

Let’s go through the example again, in slow motion.

My wife says she’s tired and stressed out. I respond with a suggestion of how she can fix the problem.

This is a common listening filter, listening to fix. Not only did I try to fix the problem, I applied a fix that comes from my experience.

When I’m tired and stressed out, I like to get some down time to recoup. My wife may feel worse if she stayed home and let more work pile up.

What are some other listening filters you’re aware of?

Listening to find fault: “How could you be tired and stressed out? You really haven’t done all that much this week.”

Listening to minimize: “You don’t look that tired to me.”

Listening to compare: “You’re tired and stressed? You should have seen my day!”

Listening to criticize: “That’s ridiculous! How could you be tired when you got eight hours sleep last night?”

Listening to control: “Don’t even think you can use being tired to get out of going to the movie tonight.”

On the surface it might sound simple to avoid using listening filters.

I’ve found it hard, though… a skill that requires practice. And more practice.

Avoiding these filters and listening with your eyes and ears and heart—just allowing others to talk about their experience and responding in a way that shows you got it—changes the whole exchange. We all want to be heard and validated.

It’s worth the investment because it’s a requirement for effective communication and getting what you want—a loving, healthy relationship.

Below are a few suggestions for honing your listening skills. Enjoy them!

1. Spend some time noticing how often you fall into one of the common listening filters; listening to fix, listening to find fault, listening to minimize, listening to compare, listening to criticize, or listening to control. What can you do to keep from falling into these common filters?

2. In your everyday conversations, or in an intentional practice session with a partner, explore each listening filter, one at a time. Notice how you feel and the impact on the person with whom you are communicating.

The first step to developing artful listening is to choose to truly listen. As you continue to develop your listening skills, your communications and your relationships are likely to become increasingly satisfying and rich!

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there. – Rumi

The quality of our lives depends not on whether or not we have conflicts, but on how we respond to them. – Tom Crum

Healthy communication is gratifying but often challenging, especially during conflicts. Communicating differences can lead to escalating, never-ending arguments or can deepen your connection to each other. Practicing the following guidelines can make the biggest difference in the quality of your relationship.

1. Make a request to talk.

Don’t assume your partner is ready to talk just because you are. Ask your partner if he or she is willing to listen, “I have something I’d like to discuss with you; is now a good time?” The listener’s response is either, “Yes, it’s a good time,” or “No, not now but I can talk at 2 pm.  Would that work for you?” Negotiate a time that works for both of you.

2. Remember Love

Take a moment to recall the person you’re speaking to is someone you love; they’re not the enemy.  Remember you’re on the same “team.” The reason you’re speaking is to make things better.

Ask yourself these two questions:

• What is my intention here; what’s my goal?
• Is what I’m about to say going to lead me closer or further away from my goal?

If you aren’t clear that what you’re about to say will help achieve your desired outcome, don’t bring it up.  Wait until you’re clear about the issue you want to solve. Ask yourself, “What’s my real intention in bringing this issue up?”

It may take some reflection to clarify the underlying issue within a conflict. Be patient with yourself and your partner; take the time to discover the underlying need within the issue.

3. One issue at a time.

Once you’re clear on what you want, stay focused on that particular issue until it’s resolved or you hit an impasse. Avoid bringing up a new subject or countering with another issue with your partner. Stay away from talking over each other, which only leads to raising your voice and yelling. One person speaks at a time. Don’t interrupt each other. Take turns.

4. Start with the “facts”

When sharing about an issue or something your partner did, start with the specific behaviors. Ask yourself, is what I’m about to describe something a video camera would record?” If not, go back to observable behaviors.

Avoid you always or you never statements.

For example: “ You always leave the dishes in the sink. You’re such a slob,” vs. “You left the dishes in the sink this morning…”

5. Speaking from the “I”

Share your thoughts and feelings using “I” statements. For example “I feel hurt” vs. “You hurt me.” Speaking from the ”I” helps you avoid the proverbial who’s “right” argument.

6. Own your interpretations, meanings and feelings without blame.

When you share your interpretations, thoughts, and feelings, remember that they’re yours and not necessarily the same as your partners. Most arguments would never happen if we would simply accept that our point of view is valid for us but not necessarily shared by our partner.

When you take full responsibility for your thoughts and feelings, you can head off escalating into an argument about whose interpretation is the “right” one. No one has the objective truth in a relationship. The challenge here is to own the meaning of the event as your meaning, rather than THE meaning.

Some don’ts:

• Don’t attribute motives, feelings or thoughts to your partner.
• Don’t insist you’re right about what happened. If what happened is at issue, say it’s how you remember it.
• Don’t criticize the person’s worth. Separate the person from the behavior. Be hard on the issues, soft on the person

7. If you start to argue take a time out.

If you become angry or blaming, take a few breaths and calm yourself down. If you can’t calm down, STOP and take a time out. Make an agreement with your spouse to stop any conversation when either one of you feels the need. Whoever requests the time out is responsible to resume the conversation as soon as they are able. If you continue to pursue the conversation after your partner has requested a time out, it will almost never end well. So honor each other’s Time Out.

Remember your goal is to make things better. Arguing and blaming are counterproductive to any conflict resolution and will not make things better.

8. Say what you want

Make a request. Requesting is one of the most important relationship skills there is. Ask for something that will help you feel better and move you back to connection. Make it something that is clear and an achievable behavior.

Requesting is not complaining, demanding, threatening, criticizing, or focusing on the negative past. Shift from the unchangeable negative past to an achievable positive future — say what you want, not what you don’t want.

Negotiate a win-win solution. Be creative and look for a solution that works for both of you.

Once you ask for what you want let go of the outcome. Acknowledge your partner for whatever positive response they are able to give you, even if it’s not everything you wanted.

9. Practice, Practice, Practice!

The only way to become masterful at communication is to learn the skills and practice. There’s no better place to learn effective conflict resolutions skills than in your intimate relationship. The reward is immeasurable, getting more of what you want and a deeper loving connection. We all make mistakes along the way, but instead of giving up, learn from them and continue to practice.

If after practicing these skills you continue to argue or you’re not getting what you want in your relationship, get some help from a marriage counselor or relationship coach.

Frustration and anger can lead to mean-spirited, disrespectful communication. We sometimes reach the breaking point and say hurtful or belittling comments, often while raising our voice.

For example, Sarah is watching TV with her husband Erik. A commercial for a fast food company comes on and she picks up the remote and mutes it.

“Hey!” Erik yells. “Why the hell did you do that! I was watching it!”

“Oh, sorry,” Sarah says, turning the sound back on.

“Well, it’s too late now!” he rages. “I missed it. You know that I’ve been wanting a hamburger all day.”

Sarah stares at him, shocked. She hadn’t known that, and how would viewing the commercial satisfy his desire? She’s trying to figure all this out, why he got so mad, what she can do to fix it, when he leaps from the couch and heads toward the door.

“Wait,” she says. “I’m sorry. I thought you hated commercials.”

He turns to her, calls her an idiot and an obscene name, then slams the door.

Now, she’s even more confused, remembering all the times he’s complained about commercials. Didn’t he just say last week that he wanted to get a DVR so he could skip them? But Sarah’s afraid to say that, to set him off again, so she just stares blankly at the screen.

Like many in verbally abusive relationships, Sarah thinks that if only she changed, she communicated more clearly, she explained things better, her husband wouldn’t get so mad at her.

But as Patricia Evans, author of The Verbally Abusive Relationship, explains, abuse victims don’t realize that the problem isn’t theirs: it’s in the abuser’s need to dominate and control. When Sarah’s husband yells at her for no reason, she thinks he’s misunderstood her. She doesn’t realize that he’s not looking for understanding, he’s establishing his power over her.

Sarah’s story exhibits several of the hallmarks of verbal abuse:

• It’s hostile.

• It’s unpredictable and even bizarre; the attack comes out of the blue.

• It’s manipulative and controlling.

• It happens when no one else is around.

• The victim feels confused and surprised.

Other common aspects of verbal abuse, according to Evans, are:

• The words are hurtful; they attack the person or his/her abilities.

• Verbal abuse may be overt, such as angry outbursts, or subtler, such as jokes that convey a general disdain for the other person or her/his interests.

• If confronted, abusers deny the abuse and try to convince the victims that they are too sensitive or are imagining things.

• It’s insidious. Over time, the victim’s self-confidence erodes. Victims stop trusting themselves or their perceptions. They become conditioned to the abuse and adapt. They may even think it’s normal, that all people treat their spouses that way.

What Can You Do If You Are Being Verbally Abused?

First and foremost, Evans recommends, recognize that the abuse is not your fault, and that you can’t debate or reason or understand it away. What you can do is refuse to play along. Specifically, Evans recommends:

• Respond to abuse with “Stop it!” or “Don’t talk to me like that”—twice if necessary.

• Resist the urge to explain or defend. Remember, the abuser not interested in understanding you; the abuser wants to control you.

• Listen to your feelings and believe them. Don’t believe it when an abuser tells you you’re crazy or wrong or that you can’t take a joke.

• If the abuser keeps trying to provoke you, assess the danger and, if necessary, remove yourself. Verbal abuse can be a doorway to physical abuse.

• Get support through a therapist and/or a support group. An abuser’s behavior is designed to keep you off track; you’ll need support to see it for what it is and develop the self-esteem to stand up for yourself consistently.

• Seek information. Read the books and articles written on the subject. You’re not alone. Other people have paved the path for your freedom. Take advantage of what they offer.

When you stand up for yourself and refuse to be goaded into defending or explaining, the abuser will give up. That’s because, as Suzette Haden Elgin, author of You Can’t Say That to Me!, explains, abusers need a victim; if you won’t play that role, he or she can’t abuse. Elgin also recommends ignoring the bait, but then responding to the underlying assumption that often hides in abuse.

For example, Sarah could also have responded to Erik with, “How long have you thought I didn’t care about you?”

Erik would have been flustered, thrown back on himself, this time staring at her in shock. Sure, he’d recover; he would use some of the common abuse strategies that the authors outline in their books. But it won’t matter, because no matter what he says, Sarah will not be provoked.

Verbal abuse can’t continue without a victim, and with a lot of support and information and self-care, Sarah has learned to refuse that role.

If you’re being treated with verbal abuse and your partner doesn’t stop get help. Couples often wait way too long before getting counseling. And don’t hesitate to call me if you’d like some support improving your communication and relationship. Better sooner than later.

The number one way to destroy love and intimacy in relationships is by blaming your partner for what’s wrong.

Blame is when you’ve identified the cause of your problem and it’s your partner.  If only he or she were different, you wouldn’t have to feel disappointed, hurt, or anger.

When we blame our partner, we free ourselves of any responsibility for the conflict.

Often blaming is so familiar that we’re unaware we’re doing it.

There are clues that indicate when we’re blaming, such as making absolute statements about our partner such as, “You always …” or “You’re so…” or “You’re such a…”  Beware of those!

When we critique the behavior (“I don’t like it when you…”) and not the person, we ‘re stating what really concerns us and not just passing judgment on our flawed partner.

As a relationship coach, I ask couples to move from the blame game, which looks like – “Everything would be fine if only you would change” and replace it with “What can I change to help you give me more of what I want? “

This is a huge shift in the relationship and opens up new possibilities for intimacy and love.  We can change our complaints—which always push people away—into requests—made with respect and, if possible, with affection and humor.

Claiming responsibility doesn’t mean being more accommodating just to keep the peace.  That’s the “Fine,” with a sigh and a roll of the eyes or the blank, long-suffering stare.  Instead it may be more like, “How can I be more assertive?”  ”How can I be more truthful?”  “How can I be clearer about what I want?”

That’s the best way to stop the never-ending blame game.  Shift the focus to yourself and ask with curiosity, “How am I contributing to this problem?” “What’s my part in this?”

For example, you ask your husband to pick up cereal and he comes home with something you don’t like.  You could say, “You’re so clueless!  Don’t you even notice that I eat Grapenuts every morning?” And you could even be thinking, “Does this guy even know or care about me?”

Switching from blame to healthy responsibility might have you saying, “Honey, would you please pick up a box of Post Grapenuts today?”  You might even write it down with a little heart drawn around it.

The shift from blame to request isn’t easy.  You have to be willing to let go of your deeply entrenched judgments about your partner and be willing to see if your changes make a difference in the way you interact.

It takes a clear intention to claim responsibility and give up that superior attitude that makes you the righteous victim.  It also takes lots of practice.  The best time to start is right now.

Here’s a short video where I talk about turning complaints into requests so you can get more of what you want in your relationship. Let me know what you think. Click post tittle to see video.