1. Begin by becoming aware of your boundaries. Take notice of your feelings. They are your inner messengers, your inner guidance system. When a boundary is crossed, there is a definite physiological response. If someone’s comments or actions make you uncomfortable, notice how you react physically. Do you take a sharp breath in? Does your face redden? Does your throat tighten? Do you begin to feel cold and tremble? Note what the person is doing or saying that is giving you this reaction.

Ask yourself how you want to be spoken to and how you want to be treated. What behaviors are acceptable? What behaviors are marginally acceptable?

2. Sit down with each person you need to establish a boundary with and educate them on how you want them to respect your new boundary. Be constructive at first; avoid the “you offended me” routine. Instead say things like: “You know, I am particularly sensitive about people raising their voice to me. Would you be willing to speak quietly with me?” or “I am unable to be in the room when you are angry. I hope you understand my need to leave the room when you are upset and angry. I do want to spend time with you, and I love you.” or “Yes, I can take the time to listen to you, but I have about 10 minutes. Will that be enough time?” Once you’ve articulated what your boundary is ask them for a commitment to honor your new boundary.

3. Be persistent, yet not punitive, as you extend your boundaries. If being constructive doesn’t stop the unacceptable behavior you’ll have to up the ante with a more forbidding approach. For example: “That’s it! You no longer get to say that to me again. Got that.” “Mary you are being mean. Please stop it right now.” “Jim, I cannot hear one more word about how bad Karen treated you.

4. If they continue to violate your boundary, demand they stop. If that fails, walk away, take the “high road” and avoid being sarcastic, nasty or getting-even.

5. When you notice you’re getting annoyed at someone, look to see where you didn’t act early enough to establish your boundary. Go back to them and make the strongest request you can to have them treat you the way you want to be treated. Don’t try and figure out whether they can do what you’re asking, ask and let them determine if they can or not.

6. Start requesting that people in your life deliver their comments in a constructive way. No more digs, make-funs, deprecating or critical remarks, regardless of the situation.

Let the people in your life know that even though you tolerated this behavior in the past, you no longer will. Make a point to express your appreciation to them for respecting your new boundaries.

7. Be aware of the ways you may be infringing on other people’s boundaries. Make a point to be more sensitive to others boundaries.

If you are having difficulty setting boundaries in your relationship or your loved ones don’t respect them, it’s time to get support. Poor boundaries will only cause your relationship and your self-esteem to deteriorate.

And now I’d like to offer you my free “Transforming Relationships” TeleSeminars. You can get started by visiting: www.vitalrelationships.com and entering your name and email.

Frustration and anger can lead to mean-spirited, disrespectful communication. We sometimes reach the breaking point and say hurtful or belittling comments, often while raising our voice.

For example, Sarah is watching TV with her husband Erik. A commercial for a fast food company comes on and she picks up the remote and mutes it.

“Hey!” Erik yells. “Why the hell did you do that! I was watching it!”

“Oh, sorry,” Sarah says, turning the sound back on.

“Well, it’s too late now!” he rages. “I missed it. You know that I’ve been wanting a hamburger all day.”

Sarah stares at him, shocked. She hadn’t known that, and how would viewing the commercial satisfy his desire? She’s trying to figure all this out, why he got so mad, what she can do to fix it, when he leaps from the couch and heads toward the door.

“Wait,” she says. “I’m sorry. I thought you hated commercials.”

He turns to her, calls her an idiot and an obscene name, then slams the door.

Now, she’s even more confused, remembering all the times he’s complained about commercials. Didn’t he just say last week that he wanted to get a DVR so he could skip them? But Sarah’s afraid to say that, to set him off again, so she just stares blankly at the screen.

Like many in verbally abusive relationships, Sarah thinks that if only she changed, she communicated more clearly, she explained things better, her husband wouldn’t get so mad at her.

But as Patricia Evans, author of The Verbally Abusive Relationship, explains, abuse victims don’t realize that the problem isn’t theirs: it’s in the abuser’s need to dominate and control. When Sarah’s husband yells at her for no reason, she thinks he’s misunderstood her. She doesn’t realize that he’s not looking for understanding, he’s establishing his power over her.

Sarah’s story exhibits several of the hallmarks of verbal abuse:

• It’s hostile.

• It’s unpredictable and even bizarre; the attack comes out of the blue.

• It’s manipulative and controlling.

• It happens when no one else is around.

• The victim feels confused and surprised.

Other common aspects of verbal abuse, according to Evans, are:

• The words are hurtful; they attack the person or his/her abilities.

• Verbal abuse may be overt, such as angry outbursts, or subtler, such as jokes that convey a general disdain for the other person or her/his interests.

• If confronted, abusers deny the abuse and try to convince the victims that they are too sensitive or are imagining things.

• It’s insidious. Over time, the victim’s self-confidence erodes. Victims stop trusting themselves or their perceptions. They become conditioned to the abuse and adapt. They may even think it’s normal, that all people treat their spouses that way.

What Can You Do If You Are Being Verbally Abused?

First and foremost, Evans recommends, recognize that the abuse is not your fault, and that you can’t debate or reason or understand it away. What you can do is refuse to play along. Specifically, Evans recommends:

• Respond to abuse with “Stop it!” or “Don’t talk to me like that”—twice if necessary.

• Resist the urge to explain or defend. Remember, the abuser not interested in understanding you; the abuser wants to control you.

• Listen to your feelings and believe them. Don’t believe it when an abuser tells you you’re crazy or wrong or that you can’t take a joke.

• If the abuser keeps trying to provoke you, assess the danger and, if necessary, remove yourself. Verbal abuse can be a doorway to physical abuse.

• Get support through a therapist and/or a support group. An abuser’s behavior is designed to keep you off track; you’ll need support to see it for what it is and develop the self-esteem to stand up for yourself consistently.

• Seek information. Read the books and articles written on the subject. You’re not alone. Other people have paved the path for your freedom. Take advantage of what they offer.

When you stand up for yourself and refuse to be goaded into defending or explaining, the abuser will give up. That’s because, as Suzette Haden Elgin, author of You Can’t Say That to Me!, explains, abusers need a victim; if you won’t play that role, he or she can’t abuse. Elgin also recommends ignoring the bait, but then responding to the underlying assumption that often hides in abuse.

For example, Sarah could also have responded to Erik with, “How long have you thought I didn’t care about you?”

Erik would have been flustered, thrown back on himself, this time staring at her in shock. Sure, he’d recover; he would use some of the common abuse strategies that the authors outline in their books. But it won’t matter, because no matter what he says, Sarah will not be provoked.

Verbal abuse can’t continue without a victim, and with a lot of support and information and self-care, Sarah has learned to refuse that role.

If you’re being treated with verbal abuse and your partner doesn’t stop get help. Couples often wait way too long before getting counseling. And don’t hesitate to call me if you’d like some support improving your communication and relationship. Better sooner than later.

When Robert Frost said, “Good fences make good neighbors,” he was on to something. Our ability to relate to others in a healthy way depends on our awareness of not stepping aggressively into their territory—physical and psychological—and not letting them step into ours. Boundaries are protective limits that prevent abuse and unwanted liberties. They serve well to express who we are and work best when they’re based on respect for ourselves and others.

We need both external and internal boundaries to function well with the people in our lives without resentment and with integrity. They help us, too, to be discriminating about whom we allow in. Having fences and keeping them mended makes for good relationships.

What do you mean by external boundaries?

These are the easier ones– about physical limits. We set boundaries about how closely we let others come to us and whether or not we allow them to touch us. These boundaries vary depending on how well we know and love the person. In ordinary social situations, a respectful distance of 18 inches is comfortable for most people. When we encounter a “close talker,” we find ourselves moving backward to reclaim our 18 inches. Even in elevators, if the usual distance isn’t possible, we maintain integrity by not making physical contact. We need to be aware of not invading someone else’s space and not touching someone unless they make it clear that it’s welcome.

Sexual boundaries fit into this category also. We control whether we say yes or no to the person, place, time and manner for sexual interaction and others have the same rights in regard to us. Rape would be the ultimate violation of a sexual boundary, but an overly-enthusiastic kiss of a host or hostess can also overstep the line, as well as a lascivious stare at a co-worker.

External boundaries are violated when someone steals from you or spies on you, eavesdrops on your private conversations, checks your e-mail, goes through your briefcase or your drawers, reads your journal, borrows your belongings without permission, etc.

How about internal boundaries?

These are the more challenging kind! Just like the external boundaries, there are those designed to protect us from the world and those that protect the world from us!

We impose internal boundaries on ourselves to show respect for others when we are doing the speaking. This means that we refrain from yelling and name-calling. We don’t say things that are demeaning or insulting, that ridicule or patronize, or that blame and shame. We learn to express our feelings in moderation.

We’re being respectful of others, too, when we’re discriminating about how much self-revelation we do and to whom. Sharing too much personal information with someone you don’t know well can be awkward and uncomfortable for them. They may be too polite to make that known, but if their boundaries are healthy, they may back off from us. People who ramble on, even if they’re not discussing personal issues, show a lack of respect for their listeners.

When we are the listener, our sense of boundaries is challenged even further because we can’t control the speaker, but we have to create boundaries about how we allow their words in and how we let them affect us. If speakers are exhausting with their chatter or offensive with their remarks, we can limit our time with them by making a gracious exit or we can change the subject. If they’re complaining about us personally, we want to be open enough to let in the truth, but not so vulnerable that we take in even what isn’t true.

First we can get ourselves into a safe physical position—moving to a different chair, walking to the other side of a table, holding a pillow on our laps. We want to be comfortable enough to listen with some understanding of where this person is coming from. If there’s anger, what’s below it? Are they afraid, insecure, hurt? We can listen to discover something about who this person is instead of listening with righteousness as we plan our defense. Many of us feel unfairly attacked when faced with any criticism. After all we do and how generous, hard-working and responsible we are!! How could anyone dare confront us? Especially someone who doesn’t measure up to our standards!

Even when their words are blaming, we have to maintain that internal boundary of not taking on blame. We aren’t responsible for making someone feel, think or do anything. Each of us is responsible for what we feel, think and do ourselves. But, oh how this can trigger us into a counter-attack! It takes some courage and discipline to experience the emotions this triggers and breathe our way through it without lashing out.

Another internal listening boundary that we can set for ourselves is to be objective about whether what they’re saying is really true. When arguing, many folks will say, “You always…” or, “You never…” when such a statement is rarely true. But often, there is some truth tucked into that generalization that we can be willing to evaluate. When it is true, feeling shameful and inferior isn’t going to make anything better. If the truth makes us feel guilty and fearful, we have to remind ourselves that we’re really O.K.—no better than anyone else and no worse than anyone else. We can choose to work on our failing without losing self-esteem and can actually feel better about ourselves because we are willing to try again to be a better person.

When an accusation isn’t true, we have to detach from the emotion it triggered and let it pass through us like light or shadow passes through clear glass. It doesn’t stick like a dart on a dartboard or stab our hearts like a knife. Other people have a right to their opinions and their points of view and we can respect their differences without getting defensive, angry and hurt.

Establishing boundaries is a way of living respectfully. It doesn’t mean creating a Berlin Wall that isolates and alienates. But it does mean setting healthy limits that express our reverence for other human beings and prevent the world from running roughshod over us until we resent the intrusion or abuse.