How you listen makes a huge difference in the quality of your communication and your relationships.

Listening is more than just hearing the words being said. You have to really listen to understand what the other person is saying without putting your spin on what’s being said.

For example, my wife comes home and says, “I’m feeling kind of tired and stressed today.” I respond with, “Why don’t you take off tomorrow and get some rest?”

What’s wrong with this interchange?

On the surface it sounds like a positive, helpful suggestion.

However, it’s a classic example of what I call a listening filter.

A listening filter hears the other person’s words, but our focus is on what it means through our preferences, interpretations and prejudices. It doesn’t attempt to get inside the speaker’s experience and understand their perspective.

Let’s go through the example again, in slow motion.

My wife says she’s tired and stressed out. I respond with a suggestion of how she can fix the problem.

This is a common listening filter, listening to fix. Not only did I try to fix the problem, I applied a fix that comes from my experience.

When I’m tired and stressed out, I like to get some down time to recoup. My wife may feel worse if she stayed home and let more work pile up.

What are some other listening filters you’re aware of?

Listening to find fault: “How could you be tired and stressed out? You really haven’t done all that much this week.”

Listening to minimize: “You don’t look that tired to me.”

Listening to compare: “You’re tired and stressed? You should have seen my day!”

Listening to criticize: “That’s ridiculous! How could you be tired when you got eight hours sleep last night?”

Listening to control: “Don’t even think you can use being tired to get out of going to the movie tonight.”

On the surface it might sound simple to avoid using listening filters.

I’ve found it hard, though… a skill that requires practice. And more practice.

Avoiding these filters and listening with your eyes and ears and heart—just allowing others to talk about their experience and responding in a way that shows you got it—changes the whole exchange. We all want to be heard and validated.

It’s worth the investment because it’s a requirement for effective communication and getting what you want—a loving, healthy relationship.

Below are a few suggestions for honing your listening skills. Enjoy them!

1. Spend some time noticing how often you fall into one of the common listening filters; listening to fix, listening to find fault, listening to minimize, listening to compare, listening to criticize, or listening to control. What can you do to keep from falling into these common filters?

2. In your everyday conversations, or in an intentional practice session with a partner, explore each listening filter, one at a time. Notice how you feel and the impact on the person with whom you are communicating.

The first step to developing artful listening is to choose to truly listen. As you continue to develop your listening skills, your communications and your relationships are likely to become increasingly satisfying and rich!

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