1. Begin by becoming aware of your boundaries. Take notice of your feelings. They are your inner messengers, your inner guidance system. When a boundary is crossed, there is a definite physiological response. If someone’s comments or actions make you uncomfortable, notice how you react physically. Do you take a sharp breath in? Does your face redden? Does your throat tighten? Do you begin to feel cold and tremble? Note what the person is doing or saying that is giving you this reaction.
Ask yourself how you want to be spoken to and how you want to be treated. What behaviors are acceptable? What behaviors are marginally acceptable?
2. Sit down with each person you need to establish a boundary with and educate them on how you want them to respect your new boundary. Be constructive at first; avoid the “you offended me” routine. Instead say things like: “You know, I am particularly sensitive about people raising their voice to me. Would you be willing to speak quietly with me?” or “I am unable to be in the room when you are angry. I hope you understand my need to leave the room when you are upset and angry. I do want to spend time with you, and I love you.” or “Yes, I can take the time to listen to you, but I have about 10 minutes. Will that be enough time?” Once you’ve articulated what your boundary is ask them for a commitment to honor your new boundary.
3. Be persistent, yet not punitive, as you extend your boundaries. If being constructive doesn’t stop the unacceptable behavior you’ll have to up the ante with a more forbidding approach. For example: “That’s it! You no longer get to say that to me again. Got that.” “Mary you are being mean. Please stop it right now.” “Jim, I cannot hear one more word about how bad Karen treated you.
4. If they continue to violate your boundary, demand they stop. If that fails, walk away, take the “high road” and avoid being sarcastic, nasty or getting-even.
5. When you notice you’re getting annoyed at someone, look to see where you didn’t act early enough to establish your boundary. Go back to them and make the strongest request you can to have them treat you the way you want to be treated. Don’t try and figure out whether they can do what you’re asking, ask and let them determine if they can or not.
6. Start requesting that people in your life deliver their comments in a constructive way. No more digs, make-funs, deprecating or critical remarks, regardless of the situation.
Let the people in your life know that even though you tolerated this behavior in the past, you no longer will. Make a point to express your appreciation to them for respecting your new boundaries.
7. Be aware of the ways you may be infringing on other people’s boundaries. Make a point to be more sensitive to others boundaries.
If you are having difficulty setting boundaries in your relationship or your loved ones don’t respect them, it’s time to get support. Poor boundaries will only cause your relationship and your self-esteem to deteriorate.
And now I’d like to offer you my free “Transforming Relationships” TeleSeminars. You can get started by visiting: www.vitalrelationships.com and entering your name and email.
